Stephen Colbert

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Last quote by Stephen Colbert

Actually, grave-robbing is a big part of the new plan. It offers complete shovel coverage. But the GOP needs to move fast because, due to Senate rules that I refuse to learn, they're facing a September 30th deadline. It's a race against the clock. They've got 10 days to overhaul the healthcare system or everybody lives!feedback
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Sep 21 2017 Republican Party
Stephen Colbert has most recently been quoted in an article called 'Republicans have 10 days to overhaul healthcare - or everybody lives!'. Stephen Colbert said, “Look how gray he's gotten now. That's how bad Donald Trump is. Obama is ageing faster watching someone else be president.”. Stephen Colbert has been quoted a grand total of 316 times in 154 articles.
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Stephen Colbert quotes

Sep 18 2017

Sean, do you know? Really? 'Cause he wasn't apologizing. He wants to be forgiven, but he won't regret anything he did. You got to regret something you did to be forgiven.feedback

Sep 17 2017 - Trump Presidency

The biggest story of the year is not 'Westworld'. It's not 'The Handmaid's Tale.' It's not Milo Ventimiglia's luscious abs. That's not what we cared about. The biggest TV star of the year is Donald Trump.feedback

Sep 15 2017

I said, wait a second, I don't even get to show my butt crack after getting totally naked. Do you know how much bronzer was rubbed on my body?' . Do you have any idea how intimate I have known my makeup lady? We've worked together for 20 years, we've never been more intimate than this week.feedback

Sep 15 2017

We have an opening musical number I hope everybody likes, we have some surprise guests – couple more just came through today – and we also have – there's nudity.feedback

Sep 15 2017

It's me that's nude in it and this is absolutely true, we are in negotiations with CBS right now – because CBS has got the Emmys this year– about how much of my butt we can show. Because evidently, and I did not know this, because I – I don't know, you cannot show butt crack on broadcast television.feedback

Sep 15 2017

I loved you with Sean Spicer last night. That was a great interview.feedback

Sep 15 2017

Really?! Because he wasn't apologizing. He wants to be forgiven, but he won't regret anything he did. You've got to regret something you did to be forgiven.feedback

Sep 15 2017

The fact that he's not nominated, it's a crime. It's a high crime and a misdemeanour that you are not nominated, sir. Where's the investigation of that? Where was James Comey on that?feedback

Sep 15 2017

It's not often that we, CBS late-night hosts, have comedy tailored specifically for us. I heard you were doing this, I said to hell with the Emmys, I need to see this for myself.feedback

Sep 12 2017

How many surfaces of your home are covered in what you hope is chocolate?feedback

Sep 08 2017

Your attacks caused lasting damage, making it harder to unify progressives.feedback

Aug 18 2017 - Trump Presidency

The story is complete nonsense. However, one thing about General Pershing that is true is this quote of his: 'A competent leader can get efficient service from poor troops, while on the contrary an incapable leader can demoralize the best of troops.feedback

Aug 18 2017 - Trump Presidency

That is a dark story. No wonder his kids turned out the way they did. And then the big bad wolf slaughtered two of the three little pigs, and he told the third one, you piggy, you go back to the sty and tell your buddies no more brick houses.feedback

Aug 18 2017 - Trump Presidency

I want to take a moment to send our thoughts to the people of Barcelona, Spain, who suffered a horrific attack today. A vehicle drove into a crowd in that city, killing at least 12 people and injuring dozens more. This is a heartbreaking reminder that evil is real and the United States is not alone in fighting it.feedback

Aug 18 2017 - Trump Presidency

Trump's point is we've got to be tough like we used to. But here's one problem with that: the story is not true. It's been called a 'poorly sourced yarn'. Poorly sourced yarn, by the way, also what Ivanka uses in her clothing line.feedback

Aug 18 2017 - Trump Presidency

One historian said, this story is a fabrication and has long been discredited. I am amazed it is still making the rounds. If it wasn't for our president, a lot of things wouldn't be making the rounds.feedback

Aug 18 2017 - Trump Presidency

There's a story about General Pershing, an American general who fought Muslim insurgents in the Philippines about a century ago. Trump likes telling the story about how Pershing executed Muslim prisoners of war.feedback

Aug 18 2017 - Trump Presidency

I also want to note that today President Trump said the right thing, tweeting, the 'United States condemns the terror attack in Barcelona, Spain, and will do whatever is necessary to help. Be tough and strong. We love you. Thank you, sir. Simple, dignified, presidential. That's what you hope for. He's right. We love you, Spain. And I was sincerely happy to see that kind of moral leadership from our president for about 45 minutes. Because then he tweeted: 'Study what General Pershing of the United States did to terrorists when caught. There was no more Radical Islamic Terror for 35 years.feedback

Aug 17 2017 - Democratic Party

There is only one thing I no longer have any doubt about. You showed us who you were. Everywhere in this country, people were horrified. North, South, Republican, Democrat, top, bottom, sweet, sour. In the wake of the furor Trump called by channelling the Fuhrer, the White House was desperate to get Republicans aboard the flaming wreckage that was the SS Hinden-tanic. David Duke complimenting your courage – that's like Jeffery Dahmer complimenting your cooking. He means well, but it's a little upsetting.feedback

Aug 17 2017 - Democratic Party

They don't need to hold hearings. If they want to talk to white supremacists, they can just call the White House switchboard.feedback

Aug 17 2017 - Ku Klux Klan

David Duke complimenting your courage, that's like Jeffrey Dahmer complimenting your cooking.feedback

Aug 17 2017 - Democratic Party

It was truly one for the ages – specifically 1939 to 1945. You know it was the right thing to say because he hated saying it. When he was supposed to be taking about highway infrastructure, Donald Trump drove America's moral leadership right through the guardrails. Everywhere in this country, people were horrified: north, south, Republican, Democrat, top, bottom, sweet, sour – but you know who loved what Donald Trump said? Donald Trump.feedback

Aug 16 2017

I wait for the facts. Just ask the millions of illegal voters who refused to look for Obama's birth certificate during my record-breaking inauguration.feedback

Aug 16 2017 - Trump Presidency

You might remember it took Donald Trump two days to condemn the white nationalists and the neo-Nazis who held that rally down in Charlottesville. But even though many criticized how long it took, the president knew the right thing was to make a statement on Monday to be clear about who was to blame, and then move on to the people's business. Just kidding. He held a press conference today in, I believe, the seventh circle of hell. Here's what he said. And when the president was asked about his embattled strategist Steve Bannon, he gave him this vote of … something.feedback

Aug 16 2017

What the hell are you talking about? You know, one side hates minorities, the other side hates people who hate minorities. That's right. Some of them were antisemites. It was very diverse.feedback

Aug 15 2017 - Trump Presidency

Does [Trump] order his spine on Amazon Prime? Is Steve Bannon a white supremacist?feedback

Aug 15 2017

Were you brought in just to get rid of him? And Sean Spicer?feedback

Aug 15 2017

So you're comedically threatening to kill the people who work for me?feedback

Aug 15 2017 - Nordstrom vs. Trump

Mr. President, this is terrorism, not your order at KFC.feedback

Aug 15 2017

Who cares? We're supposed to feel bad for the guy?feedback

Aug 11 2017 - North Korea

To be fair, North Korea isn't helping in this situation. Today they said they're drawing up plans to launch four intermediate-range ballistic missiles into waters near Guam. Speaking of which, the president addressed those threats this afternoon.feedback

Aug 11 2017 - North Korea

Before we start the show tonight I'd like to go on the record: I do not want the world to blow up. That's where my house is. But things are getting tense between Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un. For the record, we didn't start it. North Korea has been testing these missiles for a long time now and saying specifically they're making them to attack the United States. So obviously a firm response is necessary, but maybe not 'fire and fury the likes of which the world has never seen.feedback

Aug 11 2017

What is tougher than fire and fury? Lava and rage? A paper cut and a lemon? Rizzoli and Isles? Crate and Barrel? Key and Peele?feedback

Aug 10 2017 - Trump Presidency

That is empty rhetoric, the likes of which you always use. It's good to know our president sees the fire of nuclear war as being on the same level as a nice airport he went to.feedback

Aug 10 2017 - North Korea

Oh, we've seen it before. You know what else we've seen? You using that phrase.feedback

Aug 09 2017 - Trump Presidency

Thankfully, faced with the greatest challenge of his presidency, Donald Trump stepped up and in a moment of pure statesmanship, de-escalated the rhetoric and brought calm to our worried nation. I'm just kidding. He said this.feedback

Aug 09 2017

Shut up! You're going to get us all killed and I just started The Handmaid's Tale. You know Kim Jong-un is crazy, right? He's a loose cannon like Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon. And also that one time he got pulled over.feedback

Aug 09 2017 - Nuclear weapons

US intelligence now believes that North Korea is now making missile-ready nuclear weapons. My God, Dennis Rodman, did you do nothing?feedback

Aug 09 2017

The one ray of hope here is that I'm not sure whether to believe Trump's nuclear saber-rattling, and neither are you. While only 24% of Americans trust what they hear from the White House, Trump's approval rating in the same poll is 38%. That means 14% of voters enjoy being lied to. If any of those people are tuning in right now, I just want to say, everything's going to be fine.feedback

Aug 09 2017 - North Korea

Look, North Korea, stop trying to make us a thing, all right? I'm not saying what we have isn't special, but it's not exclusive. The United States, we sanction a lot of other countries. We sanctioned Russia just last week and it felt pretty great. Listen, they threaten us in a way you never will. You should see the size of their missiles.feedback

Aug 09 2017 - North Korea

I know a lot of people tune in to this show on a nightly basis to get their news and information. They count on me to be a straight shooter with a calm voice. I don't want to be alarmist. But we're all going to die. But don't worry, the story gets worse. Because over the weekend the UN security council voted 15-0 to sanction North Korea. And in response.feedback

Aug 08 2017 - Trump Presidency

No veep has acted this suspiciously since Grover Cleveland's vice-president, Eustace P McBackstabby. Yesterday, Pence issued this strong denial.feedback

Aug 08 2017 - Trump Presidency

With the president's approval rating plummeting, some have their eyes on Trump's job, including current vice-president and dad-who-has-a-favorite-marching-band, Mike Pence. The New York Times is claiming Pence is preparing for a 2020 run, citing the fact that Pence has created his own political action committee. That's not normal for a vice-president.feedback

Aug 08 2017 - Russia

Trump's buddy Vladimir Putin is also taking a break these next few weeks. He's in Siberia putting on a snorkel and shooting fish with a spear gun, though he later claimed the fish were killed by Ukrainian separatists. Of course, since it's Putin, he also released photos of himself chilling by the river.feedback

Aug 08 2017 - Mar-a-Lago

As of Friday, Donald Trump is on a 17-day vacation at his golf club in Bedminster, New Jersey. He's there to relax after months of grueling golf at Mar-A-Lago. The president swears he's not taking it easy. Meetings and calls? Trump has to do all that during his vacation? Man, I would not want to work for Vladimir Putin. Over the weekend, footage leaked of the president taking one of his high level meetings, a summit of New Jersey's top bridesmaids. He's definitely running.feedback

Aug 03 2017

Well, nobody really talks about oxygen until someone's got their hands around your throat.feedback

Aug 03 2017

Immigrants have to learn proper English, like bigly, covfefe and bing bing bing bing bing bing bing. Mr President, wherever you are today, it's not based on merit.feedback

Aug 03 2017

If you're trying to prove you're not racist then don't compare this to a movie where a guy enslaved a bunch of little orange people to work in his factory.feedback

Aug 03 2017

I've got to agree with Miller on that one. I'm not sure that what Australians are speaking is actually English.feedback

Aug 03 2017

Mr. President, wherever you are today, it isn't because of merit. The conversations took place, they just simply didn't take place over a phone call, they happened in person.feedback

Aug 02 2017 - Sanctions

Now, asked about this report in today's televised press briefing, White House press secretary and elementary-school-teacher-who-cries-in-the-art-supplies-closet, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, defended the president.feedback

Aug 02 2017 - Sanctions

Yes, they wanted it to be truthful. So they can just plead, We'd prefer to be innocent. But the president ignored his advisors and instead dictated a statement that was clearly a coverup to hide their eagerness to collude with the Russians. Now, this looks bad. And is bad. But according to his advisors, Trump 'Believes he is innocent and therefore does not think he is at any legal risk'. And everyone knows, you can't be convicted if you're not guilty in your mind.feedback

Aug 02 2017 - Sanctions

For Donald Trump, it has been a rough couple of ... his entire presidency. The chaos coming out of the White House is just coming at you so fast it's hard to keep track of it. But come with me now into the past. Try to remember what we were talking about last month. Yes, like any father would. It's one of those father-son things, like playing catch or going fishing or preventing your son from implicating you in treason.feedback

Aug 01 2017

Mama, I just got canned. Barely got to the White House, said some dumb stuff now I'm out/ Mama, my job had just begun/ And now I've gone and thrown it all away!feedback

Aug 01 2017

Yes, the Mooch is toast. The front stabber has been back stabbed. He said he was going to fire everybody, and I gotta admit he delivered – that is thorough.feedback

Aug 01 2017 - Trump Presidency

Here's how it went down. On Friday, Donald Trump hired new White House chief of staff and grandpa-who-doesn't-do-hugs Gen John Kelly. Kelly is replacing former chief of staff Reince Priebus. Kelly is the polar opposite of Reince Priebus. Kelly's military, Priebus is a Washington insider. Kelly's from Boston, Priebus is from Wisconsin. John Kelly has two first names. Reince Priebus has no recognizable names at all. And according to White House sources, Kelly let the Mooch go because he wanted 'more structure, less of Game of Throne'.feedback

Aug 01 2017

I come to you tonight a broken man. Because just this afternoon I was shocked by this breaking nooch. The front-stabber has been back-stabbed. He said he was going to fire everybody, and I've got to admit, he delivered. I've been a huge fan of the Mooch for over a week now.feedback

Aug 01 2017

Six hours later, Scaramucci is out. I feel bad for the Mooch, because his job was everything to him. Saturday, news broke that his wife filed for divorce while nine months pregnant, and that Scaramucci missed his son's birth to be with the president.feedback

Aug 01 2017

The Mooch lasted as communications director for only 10 days. Ten. That's not even a whole pay period. His going-away party can serve what's left of his welcome cake.feedback

Aug 01 2017

That's not a fair comparison. With Game of Thrones, you have to wait a whole week for a new beheading.feedback

Jul 28 2017

Yeah, he would never stab someone the back. A gentleman stabs someone from the front so you can watch the life drain out of their eyes. As much as I've enjoyed the things that Scaramucci has said so far in his one week on the job, we got an incredible taste of unfiltered Mooch today when New Yorker reporter Ryan Lizza published details of a conversation he had with Scaramucci last night.feedback

Jul 28 2017

Lizza reported yesterday about Trump's dinner with Scaramucci, Sean Hannity and some other guys. Now, the Mooch called up Lizza to try to get some news out of him about who leaked the dinner. But Lizza protected his source, so the Mooch said, OK, I'm going to fire every one of them and then you haven't protected anybody, so the entire place will be fired over the next two weeks.'.feedback

Jul 28 2017

The Mooch says he was doing this for all the right reasons. I'm not trying to build my own off the fucking strength of the president. I'm here to serve the country. I'm not Steve Bannon. I'm not trying to suck my own cock.feedback

Jul 28 2017

I am feeling blessed tonight thanks to one man: White House communications director and guy-ordering-a martini-at-the-bowling-alley, Anthony Scaramucci . I was worried when Sean Spicer left that the communications office at the White House would lose some flavor. Little did I know he was going to be a replaced by a guy who serves up some very spicy quotes. The Mooch was pretty sure he knew who the leaker was: chief of staff Reince Priebus, who he described as a 'paranoid schizophrenic.feedback

Jul 28 2017

As much as I've enjoyed the things that Scaramucci has said so far in his one week on the job, we got an incredible taste of unfiltered Mooch today … Be warned, if you are put off by foul language, the Mooch thinks you should mooch yourself in the head. I want to give a quick warning to the CBS censors: you guys are going to have to break out the emergency extra bleeps for this one. Look, if Bannon could do that, he'd never leave the White House. Though I gotta say, we never see him anymore. Good for you, Steve.feedback

Jul 28 2017

Some brothers are like Cain and Abel, some are like Mario and Luigi, O.K.? Who knows what will happen: Will we go down a pipe to save the princess, or will I bash his head in with a rock and then lie to God about it?feedback

Jul 27 2017 - Trump Presidency

I know a lot of people wanted to do this, and I'm honored that the Cartoon President invited our documentary crew into his private world. I've seen some of the footage, and I look forward to sharing the man behind the MAGA.feedback

Jul 26 2017 - Christmas

On my honor, I will do my best to make a tremendous amount of money and buy a sex yacht like the old guy the president knows. To keep myself physically strong with golf and steak, and refer all questions to outside council. Merry Christmas.feedback

Jul 26 2017 - Trump Presidency

The Boy Scouts are known for their love of civic engagement. They have a deep, abiding, non-cynical, non-ironic belief in our democracy. And Donald Trump took the opportunity to drop a deuce in that punch bowl.feedback

Jul 26 2017

Since Trump's been in office they've tried three times and they've failed. But they have finally figured out why they failed. They failed because people knew what was in their bill. So today they raised the bar on lowering the bar. They held the vote today and the motion to debate the bill passed. Which means they have 20 hours of debate to fine-tune the bill that they didn't write for the past seven years.feedback

Jul 25 2017

He wanted to spend more time not answering his family's questions.feedback

Jul 21 2017 - Russia

The room we've heard so much about, yet no one has come to check it out. I don't know why. When you're in this room, I don't know how to describe it; it's soaked in history. It just washes over you. It's not even like it's in the past; you're in history. You're in it.feedback

Jul 21 2017 - Russia

They don't need to install cameras in here; they could just give Putin some binoculars.feedback

Jul 21 2017 - Russia

Back in January, 10 days before Donald Trump was inaugurated, a document was leaked containing allegations that Trump has deep financial ties to Russia, that his campaign was being supported by the Russian government and that the Russians had compromising videos of Donald Trump watching prostitutes urinate on a bed in the Moscow Ritz-Carlton presidential suite. It was a bombshell.feedback

Jul 21 2017 - Russia

It's been an amazing week, the Russia Week here, and this might be my favorite night, . The piece we're showing tonight is really the whole damn reason why we went. A big part of that New York Times interview they did with Trump focused on what's called 'the Dossier.feedback

Jul 21 2017

That was back in 1993, when it was still a coin toss over which one would be president and which one would end up in jail. I'm not sure what you give after six months, but I know that I'm taking Xanax.feedback

Jul 20 2017 - Russia

This is how things work over in Russia: over there, the political system is controlled by wealthy elites who buy influence and pull strings of the government. Whereas in America, we speak English.feedback

Jul 20 2017 - US voter fraud

How stupid can you be? You're in the middle of what could be the worst scandal in US history. People think you colluded with the president of a hostile foreign power. Then you go out of your way to meet with him again and you don't tell anybody? That's like if OJ does get out on parole and immediately goes glove shopping. But here's why it's hard. He lies about everything. He lies about crowd size, voter fraud, til death do us part. This might actually be a nothing-burger, but every time they tell us it's a nothing-burger, it turns out to be a juicy quarter-pounder with sleaze.feedback

Jul 20 2017 - Trump-Putin

So far the White House, of course, has downplayed this meeting, calling it a brief conversation at the end of dinner. Brief, because after all, how long does it take to give someone your room key?feedback

Jul 19 2017 - Russia

For the past six months, people have been talking a lot about alleged activities involving Donald Trump in the Ritz Carlton presidential suite in Moscow. I've been thinking, Why doesn't somebody just go and look in the room? So I did. I rented it. This is the room, 1101. Here's the key. Come on. Oh, if this wood could speak. Hundreds of the world's most powerful men have come in here to sweat their balls off. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to make that 101.feedback

Jul 19 2017

I go, No! He's a fantastic performer who's famous for doing motion capture, .feedback

Jul 19 2017

There is very few things we've heard from President Obama since he left office. Literally, just a couple sentences out there talking about policy. I was wondering if I could read what Obama has said and Luther could translate that.feedback

Jul 19 2017 - American politics

48-4? That adds up to 52, not 100. You just ignored all the Democratic votes. Anything can be made a success by that logic. If you just take out that one iceberg, the Titanic had a fantastic maiden run. Tremendous boat.feedback

Jul 19 2017 - Trumpcare

So, Trumpcare is officially deader than the people who would've been dead if Trumpcare had passed. The president had some interesting math to turn this into a win.feedback

Jul 19 2017 - Republican Party

Remember two months ago when Trump and the GOP threw that old white guy party when the House passed their version of the bill? Now that celebration, in retrospect, seems almost as embarrassing as Lyndon Johnson's victory-in-Vietnam luau.feedback

Jul 19 2017 - American politics

It is hard to overstate the level of failure here. Republicans said one thing for the last four elections. It's your tagline. It's your motto. It's Paul Ryan's tramp stamp.feedback

Jul 19 2017 - Republican Party

Folks, I know it's a comedy show, but I have some sad news tonight. As of 10.48pm last night, the GOP healthcare bill was pronounced dead of terminal sucking. It was always a long shot because the Republicans control only all three branches of government. Can't be expected to do everything.feedback

Jul 19 2017 - American politics

Just take it away and don't fix it. Like when your car gets a flat tire, you remove the tire, then cut the brake cables and push the car into a crowd of uninsured old people.feedback

Jul 19 2017 - Obamacare

This morning, they announced they're going to repeal now and replace later. And tonight, it's already dead. This is a good time to remind you that when they knew Barack Obama would veto it, the GOP voted more than 60 times to repeal Obamacare. But now that they can actually do it, they don't have the balls.feedback

Jul 18 2017

I thought it would be better to cut out the middleman and just tell the Russians myself.feedback

Jul 18 2017 - Trumpcare

Last week, Don Jr did not mention this other Russian spy guy. This is everything? It must've slipped his mind. With all that hair gel, things just slide out.feedback

Jul 18 2017 - Russia

It's Russia Week. And I just want to get out ahead of the story here. I recently met with a lot of Russians. I can't remember why. Maybe because I was in Russia. This week we'll be showing you one Russian field piece. I meant to say two Russian – my lawyers are now telling me it's five Russian field pieces. Folks, things are not looking good for president's son and store-brand Billy Baldwin, Donald Trump Jr. Now we've learned that there was another Russian at the meeting, Russian lobbyist Rinat Akhmetshin.feedback

Jul 18 2017 - EPA

So then we found out there was also a sixth person. That's more people than are currently working at Trump's EPA. Now, no one is saying that there were seven people in the meeting. Because it turns out there were at least eight people in the room. Eight. That's not even counting the other Russians that were nesting inside of them.feedback

Jul 15 2017

Harding is widely considered by modern-day historians to be the worst president ever, and remember, modern-day historians know who the president is right now.feedback

Jul 14 2017

Do we confront it Now or Later? Of course, some Airheads may say that candy is Good & Plenty of people use it but ignore their Snickers because the Smarties know we're in Mounds of trouble. It seems innocent but eventually you'll blow every Pay Day, go on a crime Spree, and the next thing you know, you're on the street turnin' Twix.feedback

Jul 14 2017

Finally, a chocolate you don't have to taste. This gives an entirely new definition to brown-nosing.feedback

Jul 14 2017 - French election 2017

Then Trump held a joint press conference with newly elected French president and somehow-hotter Justin Trudeau Emmanuel Macron. Trump invoked America's long history with France.feedback

Jul 14 2017 - French election 2017

Today Trump met France's first lady Brigitte Macron, and of course he treated her like any other woman – by objectifying her.feedback

Jul 14 2017 - French election 2017

Donald Trump is in France right now, and I feel je ne sais quoi, if you know what I mean. I don't, because I don't speak French. I don't blame Donald Trump for skipping town – the man has had a really rough week. His son admitted to colluding with Russia. His healthcare plan is looking dead in the water. And his press secretary still has his head stuck in that honey pot. So Trump is now in Paris, and he's going to be so disappointed once he learns that oui oui doesn't mean what he thinks it does.feedback

Jul 14 2017 - French election 2017

Nope, just you. We know. Gave us the Statue of Liberty, too. Remember that part?feedback

Jul 13 2017 - Abortion

I'm used to a world where we're divided on things like abortion, or taxes, or government control of healthcare – polarizing issues. Have we become a nation where colluding with a hostile foreign power to manipulate our election is a left-right thing?feedback

Jul 12 2017 - Russia

I'd like to apologize to Eric Trump. We always thought you were the dumb one. We were wrong.feedback

Jul 12 2017 - Russia

Yesterday, Reince Priebus said this whole story is a nothing-burger. But these emails have turned it into all-you-can-prosecute buffet. Don Jr's emails were with British music publicist and guy who Tony Soprano whacked in season three, Rob Goldstone. This Brit met the Trumps at the 2013 Miss Universe pageant in Moscow, and I believe his job was to remove all the locks from the dressing-room doors.feedback

Jul 12 2017

It has been an exciting day. Last night, I told y'all about how Don Jr met with a Russian lawyer who claimed to have dirt on Hillary Clinton. Seemed pretty bad, but it turned out much worse. Goldstone could not have been clearer that this was going to be shady stuff. That's why he encrypted his communique with an algorithm that cyber-security experts call 'email.' And just a reminder, these emails were leaked by Donald Trump Jr himself. He's his own Deep Throat. He's deep-throating himself.feedback

Jul 11 2017

He was confused by Natalia Veselnitskaya, saying, her statements were vague, ambiguous and made no sense.feedback

Jul 11 2017

It's not a smoking gun, but it is a gun meeting with Russian bullet about their mutual desire to smoke. Much ado about nothing. So the excuse is: I tried to collude, but I didn't get anything. That's like saying, yes your honor, I broke into the house, but there was nothing worth stealing – so if you think about it, they were robbing me.feedback

Jul 05 2017 - Trump Presidency

This is a brilliant solution. If your science gives you a result that you don't like, pass a law saying the result is illegal. Problem solved.feedback

Jun 30 2017 - Trump Presidency

No, it's the same low. We're at a cruising altitude of the bottom of the Mariana Trench. There are giant squid looking down at America right now.feedback

Jun 30 2017 - Mar-a-Lago

I want to say something right now that I did not think was possible any more. I am shocked by something Donald Trump said. I thought, by now, after five months of this, my soul had calcified into a crouton. Not true, because today the president of the United States tweeted: 'I heard poorly-rated Morning_Joe speaks badly of me (don't watch any more). Then how come low-IQ, crazy Mika, along with Psycho Joe, came to Mar-a-Lago three nights in a row around New Year's Eve, and insisted on joining me. She was bleeding badly from a face-lift. I said no!feedback

Jun 30 2017 - American politics

Lindsey Graham tweeted: 'Mr President, your tweet was beneath the office, and represents what is wrong with American politics'. Hold it right there, Lindsey. This is not what's wrong with American politics. You don't see Paul Ryan throwing shade at Chuck Schumer over this eye job. This is what's wrong with the American president. Let's stop pretending that Trump is a symptom of something. He is the disease. And the only cure is three-and-a-half years of liquor and bed rest.feedback

Jun 28 2017 - Obamacare

Remember how the Republicans have been promising to repeal and replace Obamacare for seven years now? It's their most consistent message other than: 'Turn down that hip-hop racket, you kids'. And this is the week, because Senate majority leader and unacknowledged lovechild of Admiral Ackbar has promised he will pass Trumpcare before the July 4 recess. And they have got to, because if they do not pass this now there is a serious danger that someone might read it.feedback

Jun 28 2017 - Republican Party

There are a lot of good reasons not to have the vote this week. McConnell would have lost. Republicans, who were already nervous, ran for the exit after the non-partisan Congressional Budget Office announced that under the GOP plan 22 million people would lose their health coverage. Now to put that number into perspective, if you laid 22 million people end-to-end it would reach Canada – where they could get healthcare. It's like an arsonist saying: 'I didn't burn the house down, I just took the ground back to pre-house levels.feedback

Jun 28 2017 - Nordstrom vs. Trump

Sunday, that which the ancients call Kellyanne Conway emerged from her chamber of secrets to weigh in on the bill's cuts to Medicaid.feedback

Jun 27 2017 - Syria conflict

The real trick is to make show business money but live in the real world.feedback

Jun 27 2017 - American politics

If I decide to run, obviously I'm not going to ask the Russians to help my campaign. I'd have my son-in-law ask them.feedback

Jun 27 2017 - Syria conflict

I thought it would be better to cut out the middleman and just tell the Russians myself. If anyone would like to work on my campaign in an unofficial capacity, please just let me know.feedback

Jun 24 2017 - Russia

I look forward to going back to America and testifying before the Senate Intelligence Committee about colluding with Russia.feedback

Jun 24 2017 - Trump administration

I am here to announce that I am considering a run for president in 2020. And I thought it would be better to cut out the middleman and just tell the Russians myself. If anyone would like to work on my campaign in an unofficial capacity, please just let me know. To the beautiful and friendly Russian people.feedback

Jun 22 2017 - Russia

Don't worry, Mr. President. I'm in Russia. If the "tapes" exist, I'll bring you back a copy!feedback

Jun 21 2017 - Uber

Sean, I have so many questions. If you go, who will not answer them?feedback

Jun 16 2017 - Trump Presidency

Yes, it's just like the Salem witch trials. When those young women were accused of witchcraft and then said, We did witchcraft,' in an interview with Lester Holt.feedback

Jun 13 2017 - Russia

But no follow up on that question? That doesn't seem like an interview, that seems like an opportunity for him to merely propagandize. Or does he have your dog in a cage someplace?feedback

Jun 11 2017

The D.C. production is supposed to have a four-year run, but the reviews have not been kind.feedback

Jun 08 2017

Tomorrow, Comey's going to say all of this out loud, and senators will get to ask him questions about it for hours.feedback

Jun 07 2017 - Climate change

Yes, immigrants cause global warming. Saving the planet by demonizing immigrants give liberals and conservatives something they can do together. Now, when a liberal yammers on about the record heat we had this winter, a conservative can say: 'Let's save the environment by building an electrified border fence that runs on alternative energy.feedback

Jun 07 2017 - Fake news

Now, all along Donald Trump has said the entire Russia story is fake news. And there is no way to know whether this document that was released is real, other than the fact that the leaker was immediately arrested. Fake news, real prison.feedback

Jun 07 2017 - NSA

It's official, the Trump administration is at war with Reality.feedback

Jun 07 2017 - NSA

Apparently, Russian hackers tried to gain access to a company called VR systems by sending workers there phony emails that appeared to be from Google that would request their log-in credentials. Okay, here's a little tip. If it looks like Google but isn't really, it's either a hacker or Bing. Just stay away from both of them.feedback

Jun 06 2017 - Trump Presidency

It's a great follow-up to everything he does that makes no sense.feedback

May 30 2017

This is what's wrong with Washington, D.C. I guarantee you there is not one person, not one voter of any political stripe anywhere in America who asked for this.feedback

May 26 2017 - Trump Presidency

Let's face it. Trump is so happy that someone will finally hold his hand.feedback

May 26 2017 - Republican Party

They were so excited about providing the affordable healthcare to everyone that they didn't wait to find out if they were providing affordable healthcare to anyone. To put that into perspective, if you laid 23 million people end to end, they would reach a country where you can get healthcare. I think the GOP repealed and replaced your grandpa. I just don't know how anyone could vote for a candidate who body-slams people. Guys, please stop shooting things. Just cut out the metaphorical middle-man and have a penis sword fight.feedback

May 25 2017 - Immigration

Back during the campaign, Trump butted heads with the pope over immigration, so people were expecting this first meeting to be a bit tense. And we saw this picture: It was. I was wrong – there is no God.feedback

May 23 2017

The Saudis know that the quickest way to Trump's heart, of course, is through his ego. She cleverly drew attention away from her head by wearing one of her husband's WWE belts. Here's Steve Bannon realizing that these aren't the kind of men in white robes he's used to. Whatever qualities that magical sphere confers, eternal youth is not one of them.feedback

May 22 2017

Why has age ravaged me? I find this very peculiar. You.feedback

May 18 2017

So…a TV star with a hit show took 11 years to pay off her student loans.feedback

May 17 2017 - Trump Presidency

That is, uh, yeah, that is definitely obstruction of something. I can't put my finger on what it's obstruction of. Oh, it's obstruction of just … a second, I'll think of it.feedback

May 17 2017 - Trump Presidency

There's no getting around it: there's a huge scandal out of the White House. No, not that scandal, or the one before that, or the one tomorrow. Although, technically, they're all part of one big scandal stroganoff.feedback

May 17 2017

Do you think anyone can ever truly know themselves?feedback

May 17 2017 - Trump Presidency

This explains why he doesn't write murder mysteries. Chapter 1: I did it. I completely agree with Donald Trump.feedback

May 17 2017 - Trump Presidency

That's like starting a Tinder account on the way home from your spouse's funeral.feedback

May 17 2017 - Trump Presidency

There's only so many bits you can do. I'm happy that only 50 percent of my monologue is about Trump.feedback

May 16 2017 - Trump Presidency

I get it – I totally have the Trump 10. I'm stress-eating. All the time.feedback

May 16 2017 - Russia

It's a good thing that the tweet speaks for itself because Sean Spicer certainly doesn't.feedback

May 16 2017 - Russia

Trump found the leaker. Although to be fair, Nixon at least attempted a cover-up.feedback

May 12 2017

The President of the United States has personally come after me and my show, and there's only one thing to say: Hee hee hee. Yay. Mr. Trump, there's a lot you don't understand, but I never thought one of those things would be show business. Don't you know I've been trying for a year to get you to say my name? And you were very restrained, admirably restrained, but now you did it. I won.feedback

May 12 2017

You got beat by Low Energy Jeb. Making jokes about you has been good for ratings. It's almost as if the majority of Americans didn't want you to be president. But you know who's got really bad ratings these days? You do. Terrible approval numbers. I hear they're thinking of switching your time slot with Mike Pence.feedback

May 12 2017 - Trump Presidency

Late Show. Don't you know I've been trying for a year to get you to say my name? Making jokes about you has been good for ratings. It's almost as if a majority of Americans didn't want you to be president. But you know who's got really bad ratings these days? You do.feedback

May 12 2017 - Twitter

Don't you know I've been trying for a year to get you to say my name?! And you were very restrained. Admirably restrained. But now you did it! I won.feedback

May 12 2017 - Trump Presidency

You know who has got really bad ratings these days? You do. Really terrible approval numbers. I hear they're thinking about switching your timeslot with Mike Pence.feedback

May 12 2017 - Trump Presidency

But you're not wrong. I will give this to the man, you're not wrong. I do occasionally use adult language – and I do it in public instead of the privacy of an Access Hollywood bus.feedback

May 12 2017 - Trump Presidency

Mr. Trump, Mr. Trump. There's a lot you don't understand. But I never thought one of those things would be show business. If you did that, what would I talk about then? Except your resignation, cause that'd be fun.feedback

May 12 2017 - Trump Presidency

The night you appeared on this show…was very highly rated. In fact, the only episode that got better ratings was the night I had Jeb Bush on. That's right. You got beat by low-energy Jeb.feedback

May 12 2017

The president of the United States has personally come after me and my show and there's only one thing to say: hee-hee-hee yay!feedback

May 11 2017 - Trump Presidency

Now while it looks like Donald Trump fired James Comey to stop the Russia investigation – that is why. Because, one thing we've learned from the last two years of Donald Trump is that what it seems like he's doing is exactly what he's doing. There's no grand strategy … He's not some wizard playing three-dimensional chess. He's playing Hungry Hungry Hippos!feedback

May 10 2017

Just seeing those guys, it really takes me back. I can still remember my last day at The Daily Show like it was yesterday. I can't put it into words but I can put it into flashback.feedback

May 10 2017

I wouldn't have this gig or any gig if it hadn't been for this man.feedback

May 10 2017

This arrangement we have right now is exactly something we would have made fun of on The Daily Show – because it looks like a morning show right now.feedback

May 04 2017 - Trump Presidency

The only thing your mouth is good for is being Vladimir Putin's c--- holster. He, I believe, can take care of himself. I have jokes; he has the launch codes. So, it's a fair fight.feedback

May 04 2017 - FCC

He, I believe, can take care of himself. I have jokes; he has the launch codes. So, it's a fair fight. So while I would do it again, I would change a few words that were cruder than they needed to be. I'm not going to repeat the phrase, but I just want to say for the record, life is short, and anyone who expresses their love for another person, in their own way, is to me, an American hero.feedback

May 04 2017 - Trumpcare

So at the end of that monologue, I had a few choice insults for the president in return. I don't regret that. He, I believe, can take care of himself. I have jokes; he has the launch codes. So, it's a fair fight.feedback

May 03 2017

They close the bar so early.feedback

May 03 2017

It's [was] like leather and armor at the same time.feedback

May 03 2017 - Fake news

Trump has repeatedly said that this 100 days is totally arbitrary, okay. Totally unimportant. And to prove how unimportant it is, he took out a TV ad, he cut a cake on Air Force One, and he held a rally in Pennsylvania. The theme of that rally, Promises Made, Promises Kept.' Which is better than the original slogan, Promises made, never mind, never said it, fake news, watch Fox & Friends.' . It's true. He doesn't stand by anything except the dressing room door at Miss USA Pageant. … Who needs a lotion?feedback

May 03 2017 - Feminism

Asking Hillary Clinton if sexism exists is like asking Serena Williams if she's heard about this tennis thing. Actually, you can make up whatever you want. Have you met our current president? He's like Stephen King.feedback

May 03 2017

So she made mistakes, publicly recognised them and owned up to her shortcomings? No wonder she lost, that's totally unpresidential.feedback

May 02 2017 - Trump Presidency

We get it, you have a huge tax return. But you know what would be nice? A full release.feedback

May 02 2017 - Twitter

To prove how unimportant it is, he took out a TV ad, he cut a cake on Air Force One and he held a rally in Pennsylvania. It turns out that being leader of the free world is harder than licensing your name to luxury meat. In his old life, he could spend his time golfing, insulting people on Twitter and hanging out with his family. Trump thinks Kim Jong-un is a smart cookie, to which all of North Korea replied: 'Cookie?'. It's true, he doesn't stand by anything except the dressing room door at the Miss USA pageant.feedback

May 02 2017

I'm happy. Someone is taking a photo of the back for a change.feedback

Apr 29 2017 - Trump Presidency

Maybe the president hasn't gotten a lot done in his first 100 days, but you know who has? America. Congratulations, you did it. First of all, we survived a Trump presidency for 100 days. I don't know about you, but I did not have that in the office pool. And half of those were from Reince Priebus calling to report Steve Bannon. He kind of looks like Vincent D'Onofrio from Men in Black in the ill-fitting man suit.feedback

Apr 29 2017 - Trump Presidency

The point is, a lot has been done in the first 100 days of the Trump presidency, just none of it by him.feedback

Apr 28 2017 - Marijuana

Tuck's a bit mellow today, because for your safety, I have been testing the strength of some of George Soros' patented mind-control marijuana.feedback

Apr 28 2017

Clips like that make Alex Jones seem less like a fit parent and more like a coked-out football coach in a police standoff.feedback

Apr 28 2017

His career was the source of his feelings of omnipotence and grandiosity. Being on TV was like a drug to him, and when it was taken away from him he had to find a substitute drug: planning and carrying out the executions of those people who had humiliated him. Bill … buddy … hello, handsome, I just want to point out – I never humiliated you, O.K.?feedback

Apr 27 2017

You know I gotta be honest: I was kicking ass up until first grade, and then it was all down hill from there.feedback

Apr 25 2017

How is he going to #buildawall when it takes him three hours to #buildasentence?feedback

Apr 25 2017 - Obamacare

He still hasn't filled his cabinet, he didn't repeal Obamacare, there are still Muslims.feedback

Apr 22 2017

And would you like that rare or medium rare?, I'd like that extremely rare, endangered in fact. All cops do this. All policemen get stoned once a year, but first they look in the mirror and say, Am I a cop? I gotta tell me if I'm a cop.feedback

Apr 21 2017

It's a new drink called the Unicorn Frappuccino. Because the name 'Sugary Affront to God' was taken. I have no idea how many unicorns they're grinding up for these things, but I'm guessing PETA is furious.feedback

Apr 21 2017

That's all your food groups right there. Mango, pink, blue, and obviously, topping. The FDA recommends at least three servings of topping a day.feedback

Apr 20 2017

That's huge deficits that can be justified by military expenditure, but you're saying huge deficits cannot be justified by the humanities, by educating people, by the social services, the safety net. They're both vital aspects of our culture. What is the difference between those two – why is one justified and not the other?feedback

Apr 20 2017

Jimmy, can you take the camera off me for just a second?feedback

Apr 20 2017

Now, Bill and I did not see eye-to-eye on … anything. I've done my share of jokes about him; I also stole his microwave once. It's a true story; you can look it up. He's been a guest on this show, and I take no pleasure in his downfall. Okay? I'm not going to sit here and publicly gloat. Don't you owe me an enormous amount of money?feedback

Apr 20 2017

You've been on my show four times now. And I always start with the same question: Bill, what the hell is going on?feedback

Apr 20 2017 - O'Reilly Factor

Hello nation – and shame on you. You failed him; you failed Bill O'Reilly. You didn't deserve this great man. All he ever did was have your back – and if you're a woman, have a go at the front, too. And what, suddenly sexual harassment's a crime? But that's the country we live in now: Obama Trump's America.feedback

Apr 20 2017 - O'Reilly Factor

Here's the thing: I owe a lot to Bill O'Reilly. I spent over nine years playing a character based largely on him – and then 12 months in therapy to de-bloviate myself.feedback

Apr 20 2017

This is huge. It's like looking at your front yard and the big oak tree is just gone. And sure, the oak tree said some disturbing things about young black men, what with their rap music and their neck tattoos.feedback

Apr 20 2017 - Venezuela

The tree had been there forever. And your grandpa likes to sit there and stare at it. And then the tree would sell your grandpa gold coins and self-lubricating catheters.feedback

Apr 18 2017

Listen people: the liberals want to tattoo Obama logos onto the skin of Christian babies. It makes me want to fight! Fight with my fists! My blood is on fire! My heart is a volcano! I'm a skeleton wrapped in angry meat! Unfortunately for him, he works in front of a camera. Clips like that make Alex Jones seem less like a fit parent and more like a coked-out football coach in a police standoff.feedback

Apr 18 2017

The liberals want to tattoo Obama logos onto the skin of Christian babies!feedback

Apr 07 2017

While I didn't know Don Rickles, I did have the incredible honor to meet him once backstage at the Emmys; we were both up for Best Host of a Variety Show, and the better one of us one. I went over to congratulate him when he was doing his photos backstage with his Emmy, and our show The Colbert Report had just won for writing, and he hugged me and told me I was good. And I felt like a made man. Because we all should have his career and be who he was.feedback

Apr 07 2017

I'm not sure if he accomplished all his goals, there are still some Muslims in America. Word on the street is that Jared Kushner helped push Steve Bannon out. How many jobs does that kid have? I'm not surprised, Because whenever Kushner isn't around Bannon calls him a 'cuck'. Bannon tried to stop the demotion, threatening at one point to quit if it went forward.feedback

Apr 06 2017 - Pepsi

So far we don't know what has caused all of America's hot extras to take the streets. I'm guessing it's a protest for Attractive Lives Matter.feedback

Apr 06 2017 - Pepsi

We have a deeply divided nation. But today it seems like everyone has come together to join the protest against the new protest ad from Pepsi. So far, we don't know what has caused all of America's hot extras to take to the streets. But I'm guessing it's a protest for Attractive Lives Matter. They might as well be holding signs that say, we are all the core demographic. Live for now especially if you're Pepsi's marketing department. I don't think you guys are gonna be there for long.feedback

Apr 05 2017

Why do you regret it? You've said worse things and not taken them back.feedback

Apr 05 2017

You know what that means … I hope. Because no one really knows what that means. Fancy language, senator. I will duel you at dawn you charlatan, you mountebank, you mendacious flimflamming dissembler. Bring a pistol and a thesaurus.feedback

Apr 04 2017

That song is just a part of a huge, special, backstage bonus tour with Green Day including more songs they performed right here.feedback

Apr 04 2017

I'm a huge Green Day fan, or as we call ourselves, Green Beans. While they were here, I asked them if we could sing my favorite Green Day song, Good Riddance (Time of Your Life).' And they said, absolutely, if you pay for it.' And I said, no way.feedback

Apr 01 2017 - Trump-Putin

There is sort of a debate on the internet about this thing. Some people find it kind of comforting, others want to know if you can take out a restraining order against a cartoon. Some people have said its the most disturbing cartoon they've ever seen. Well, we here at The Late Show took that as a challenge.feedback

Apr 01 2017

Well, strap in, . Some people have said this is the most disturbing cartoon they've ever seen.feedback

Mar 29 2017 - Obamacare

A lot of people are upset with Donald Trump because he's not keeping all of his campaign promises. He didn't repeal Obamacare last week so today he kept an important campaign promise, one that he said many times: today he repealed the environment. Clean coal sounds like an oxymoron but then so does President Trump.feedback

Mar 29 2017 - Fracking

Repealing environmental regulations will create all sorts of new jobs: oil refining, fracking, clean water historian, keeper of the last six bees .feedback

Mar 28 2017 - Oil

Not enough votes to get a majority? Well that didn't stop you from becoming president. It's almost like you can't trust a fast-talking city slicker who rolls into town promising a magic solution for all our medical needs. I'm starting to doubt the effectiveness of Dr Bannon's anti-Muslim toad oil.feedback

Mar 28 2017 - Oil

So I guess technically he did not fail on Friday, he failed two months ago.feedback

Mar 28 2017

So he blamed the Democrats. Who else did he blame? He blamed conservative Republicans, moderate Republicans. But there is one person Donald Trump did not blame. Can you guess who it is? Here's a hint: It rhymes with Donald Trump.feedback

Mar 28 2017

Not enough votes to get a majority? Well, that didn't stop you from becoming president. … It's almost like we're living in some sort of democracy!feedback

Mar 28 2017

The White House tried to get this thing through. This is not a discussion. This is not a debate. You have no choice but to vote for this bill.feedback

Mar 28 2017

The revolution will not be televised. But it will be merchandised.feedback

Mar 23 2017

Anyone can make a grill seem badass – it's a metal box that uses fire to burn meat. That's why I'm launching my own line of Made-in-the-U.S.A. American-Dumbass-Fun-Time Ice Cream Machines.feedback

Mar 22 2017

Hey @inagarten, saw you baked elephant ears. Thought we had plans? Had to make them alone. (easy & delicious, thanks for the recipe!).feedback

Mar 22 2017

Hey @inagarten – you said you & Jeffrey were having a quiet night in, but I saw that your table is set for six. What's that about?feedback

Mar 21 2017

My real worry here is that a lot of people might go to house.gov and find out how to call their Congressman and tell them to protect kids and old people.feedback

Mar 21 2017

I know what you're saying … they brought food to the elderly. [But] we all know what happens to food when we eat it – we are literally throwing food down the toilet. If we want to keep America safe, why waste money on Meals on Wheels that could be used on weapons systems? A lot of people say that Mulvaney is being cruel to old people. That's not fair. He's also being cruel to young people, because here's the deal: this budget also cuts after-school lunch programs for poor kids.feedback

Mar 16 2017

I hold in my hand something very significant. It is a joke, a joke that we have confirmed has been heard by Donald Trump. We believe this is the first time any joke dealing with Donald Trump has been released.feedback

Mar 16 2017

Why did the chicken – but first, a word about chickens!feedback

Mar 16 2017 - Dutch elections 2017

Is this news or a reality show? I don't want to watch 'America's Got 1040s.feedback

Mar 13 2017 - Nordstrom vs. Trump

If WikiLeaks is to be believed, the latest dump from WikiLeaks says that the CIA is looking at me and listening to me through my TV. Uh, is the CIA listening to me through my microwave oven and through my TV and through my cellphone? Are they doing that, sir? I can tell you that these tools would not be used against an American.feedback

Mar 11 2017

Because what is a highway if not a wall on its side?feedback

Mar 09 2017

Which would be terrible, because their healthcare plan does not cover bloodbath.feedback

Mar 09 2017

Just like in Game of Thrones, a lot of your favourite characters are going to die without warning.feedback

Mar 09 2017

But they insist that contact was strictly under the shirt, over the constitution.feedback

Mar 09 2017

The plan will raise premiums for some elderly people and impact Medicare. And now it's opposed by the AARP. You fools! You've awakened … the ancient ones. For months now, the elders have slumbered after sending one of their own to lead us. But now they stir, roused by a threat to the health care they so cherish. Of course this would summon them: They keep track of the days of the week using pills! And now they are angered, and energized by soup and early-morning mall walks.feedback

Mar 09 2017

Don't you know, they're the ones who vote! They guard the booths and control the sticker supply. Somehow, somewhere, they're voting right now! And, oh, you will rue this trespass, for the ancient ones have nothing but anger and free time. Except Sundays at 8, when MeTV broadcasts 'Columbo.' And your only hope is to pass the bill around 4 p.m., when they get drowsy after dinner.feedback

Mar 08 2017 - CIA

If WikiLeaks is to be believed, the latest dump from WikiLeaks says that the CIA is looking at me and listening to me through my TV. Uh, is the CIA listening to me through my microwave oven and through my TV and through my cellphone? Are they doing that, sir? If they were, would you say yes? Is that a true answer? I don't believe you. I can't wait for the tapes to come out.feedback

Mar 08 2017 - CIA

Let's get straight to the heat and the meat here. Is that possible?feedback

Mar 07 2017 - Trump-Putin

[President Trump] is drowning in P, which again, stands for Putin. Just drink it in.feedback

Mar 07 2017 - Trump-Putin

A lot of people say [the accusation] was to distract from recent bad press: [President Trump]'s like a magician, misdirecting your attention with sleight of hand.feedback

Mar 07 2017 - Trump-Putin

We all know Trump has the slightest of hands.feedback

Mar 07 2017

But Anderson, then the tweets can get backed up, and you get an infection.feedback

Mar 07 2017

It turns out that nobody's better at pleasuring Trump than himself.feedback

Mar 07 2017

I was afraid he'd sold the timeshare in Crazytown. Well, he's baaaaaaack!feedback

Mar 07 2017 - Watergate

First he alleges a scandal worse than Watergate then he immediately goes after Schwarzenegger. It's like if Deep Throat told Woodward and Bernstein: 'You know, Nixon's a criminal, and The Six Million Dollar Man isn't real, it's all done with slow motion.feedback

Mar 07 2017

Does the big angry man want to split up some Muslim families? I see a smile.feedback

Mar 03 2017 - Kremlin

Big news today out of the Kremlin – I'm sorry, I misread that: White House. You know how there's all this smoke about the idea that Trump and his folks colluded with the Russians to influence the election, and the Trump people are saying, There's nothing to see here'? Well I spy with my little eye the attorney general of the United States. Things are getting serious because the White House staff has been told to preserve all Russia-related materials. So, you hear that Mr. President? Do not get that mattress steam-cleaned yet.feedback

Mar 03 2017

Franken didn't even ask if you were involved! Why did you volunteer to lie?feedback

Mar 01 2017 - Nordstrom vs. Trump

Adding just one more thing: Suck it, Nordstrom. So, as we come to end of tonight's address to Congress, I think we can all agree on one thing – one down, seven to go. There's a quicker way to say that entire sentence. She just lied.feedback

Mar 01 2017 - Nordstrom vs. Trump

Any chance there's a mistake and 'Moonlight' is the president? Then he extinguished that torch with a coconut and asked the Democrats to leave the island. Honestly, I don't know what we inherited; you inherited, like, $100 million. Let's be honest. I've got to say, that must have been hard on Trump: People got so excited just hearing Obama's name. Well, there's one problem we can't solve for four years, but, other than that, I agree with you. And this surprised me. This next thing I did not expect at all. Trump came out as pro-choice when it comes to schools.feedback

Mar 01 2017

Any chance there's a mistake and Moonlight is the president? The female members of the house Democratic caucus all wore white in honor of women's suffrage, while the Republicans wore white in honor of who elected them. So many handshakes, such little hands. It's just like the Statue of Liberty says: give us your tired, your poor, but not so poor that they can't afford a two-bedroom apartment and like, a Mitsubishi. Well, there's one problem we can't solve for four years.feedback

Mar 01 2017 - Nordstrom vs. Trump

The theme of the speech was 'renewal of the American spirit,' which I gotta say, really just sounds like a Chinese bootleg of 'Make America Great Again.feedback

Mar 01 2017 - Nordstrom vs. Trump

Honestly, I don't know what we inherited. You inherited like, $100 million. O.K.? Let's be honest. Maybe even rebuild it 10 times, if we had people who refused to pay their contractors. Nonessential federal workers – so Kellyanne Conway is out? People who believe that Donald Trump is an existential threat to this nation, to the experiment of democracy, to Western civilization itself, take heart, because for their powerful rebuttal, the Democrats showed a rerun of 'The Andy Griffith Show.feedback

Jan 23 2017

This will be the largest audience to witness an Emmys, period. Both in person and around the globe.feedback

Dec 04 2016

For the past eight years, the White House has given us a leader who's passionate, intelligent and dignified. Sir, I don't even know why you stood up. I was talking about Michelle.feedback

Jan 15 2014

I know there's some polls out there saying that this man has a 32-percent approval rating. But guys like us, we don't pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in 'reality.' And reality has a well-known liberal bias.feedback

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